Cultural customs, and when you should adapt them— Or should you even bother with them at all?
Growing up I would be told things like, “You shouldn't talk back to your elders.” You shouldn't look elders in the eye when you’re talking to them, you shouldn't talk back to your elders when they are addressing you, and you shouldn't ask why, when you’re being instructed to do something. In my culture following these rules is seen as respectful and as socially accepted cultural customs — which I had come to internalise and hold true.
After finishing my studies, I started working as an analyst at my first job. This position required me to be able to ask people questions, get to the bottom of the problems the company experienced and wanted to fix. Months into my role I realised I had a problem. In meetings I struggled to look people in the eye when they spoke to me. I wouldn't ask questions ‘cause I was with my seniors or wouldn’t voice out if I disagreed with them, ‘cause I believed it was going to be seen as disrespectful. This, as you can imagine, caused some serious discomfort and disconnect. As someone who was hired to solve problems, how could I solve problems if I can’t question things or people? In this context, the cultural customs that I had come to internalise and which proved to be an advantage back home in Eastern Cape, Mthatha, were — as I soon learned — a cultural disadvantage in my job in the city Cape Town.
“…In this context, the cultural customs that had proved to be an advantage back home in Eastern Cape, Mthatha, were — as I soon learned — a cultural disadvantage in my job in the city Cape Town.”
The working environment had its own set of customs. Customs that I was not accustomed to. I was operating on customs that I was raised with, and I had never taken into account that different environments/cultures have their own customs they operate on. And this raised an interesting question in my mind, do I adapt my customs to my new environment or should the environment accommodate my cultural customs?
I want to take a bit of a detour here and reflect on an interaction I witnessed years later between a mother and her young daughter. They walked into the coffee shop I was in, and sat at the table next to me. The mother asked her daughter, “What would you like?” She responded, “I think I’ll have a hot chocolate and could I please have a chocolate croissant as well.” The mother insisted that she choses one between the two, arguing that she can’t have two sweet things. This went on for a couple of minutes; the two conversing, negotiating, compromising and finally settling. This blew my mind to watch an adult interact with a child like that. I realised at that moment the cultural advantages that the mother was instilling in her child. Teaching her cultural customs that would prove to be fruitful later in her adult life, customs on how to interact with grown ups, to ask for what she wants and be able to negotiate and articulate her points. This — upon reflection — I did not have exposure to. Being raised to always respect an elder by “being a child” and with the mentality “grown ups always know best” did not present opportunities for me to strengthen skills such as negotiating, discussing, compromising and finally settling.
So, how did I end up solving my conflict? I have come to understand that different environments and cultures have their own customs. Learning what those are has been very beneficial for me. Learning how people want to be greeted, interacted with, how they view hierarchy within their culture and what they find important. However, with globalisation only becoming more prominent within different industries, it also has to become a priority for organisations to create spaces in which people share understanding of customs and are encouraged to co-create their own within the organisation.
Today I look people in the eye when I speak to them, I ask questions when I don’t understand and do not fear that I am being disrespectful. I do still call my fiancé’s parents Mom & Dad, and try to greet every elderly person I encounter, because thats just how I was raised.
